me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
I have never “cat called” a woman. I go home, paint her from memory & then yell at the painting. It’s called respect.
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Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
*gets drunk outside*
*gets drunk inside*
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
People say you can be anything you want to be.
That’s bullshit because I really want to be asleep
Me: Wanna go out?
Her: You’re not Black
Me: I’m Jewish. We’ve been persecuted more than them.
Me: That’s not why you like them?
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.