@robdelaney

I have never “cat called” a woman. I go home, paint her from memory & then yell at the painting. It’s called respect.

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@Skoog

[interrogation room]

me: tell us

criminal: he’ll kill me if i do

me: you’re making my partner very angry

my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]

criminal: i-

me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off

@GrumpyComments

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

@Gupton68

I apologise if I offended you.

And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.

@bossy_bootz

Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there

@MelvinofYork

If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again

@Ideal_Victoria

Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!

@Delilah2141

People say you can be anything you want to be.

That’s bullshit because I really want to be asleep

@HairyJew4Life

Me: Wanna go out?

Her: You’re not Black

Me: I’m Jewish. We’ve been persecuted more than them.

Her: …

Me: That’s not why you like them?

@prufrockluvsong

Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.