i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
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Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.