date: i hate pet names
me: [trying to recover as i was about to call her a cutie pie] same…. comrade
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The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
-What should we name this creature w/ big feet?
-And this w/ saber teeth?
-And this beaverduck?
My 5th grade teacher said my life would never be worth anything but my wife paid a homeless man $3 to kill me so suck it Mrs. Jacobsen
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first
GUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”