I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
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I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.