@SvnSxty

I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself

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@BakedElle

I now pronounce you internet boyfriend and girlfriend.
You may put your hand down your pants and kiss your phone.

@PhriendlyCody

wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!

[later]

ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department

@AdamOfEarth

Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man

@geowizzacist

Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.

@MattMcC1

YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.

@c12h22o11balls

The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad

@TheSwanDon

Ugh I hate the bathroom at this mall. There’s not a single urinal. Just a bunch of women screaming.

@jtrulez

She walked in & she had legs, legs that went on for days. Who knows where they went? They just kept wenting.

– Why my mystery novel failed