I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself

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RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?


me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out

[45 mins later]

camera man: should we see other stuff now?

me: *out of breath* no


Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no


If I had a dollar for every time I fell for a tweeter instead of a real person, I could pay for the psychiatric help I obviously need.


FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok


WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?


Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.


Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.


Bro. It’s not ladies man, it’s ladies’ man. Chicks dig a dude who can navigate a plural possessive.