I now pronounce you internet boyfriend and girlfriend.
You may put your hand down your pants and kiss your phone.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
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I forgot why I went upstairs.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Happy birthday to all the women
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Ugh I hate the bathroom at this mall. There’s not a single urinal. Just a bunch of women screaming.
She walked in & she had legs, legs that went on for days. Who knows where they went? They just kept wenting.
– Why my mystery novel failed