RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
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It’s like ten thousand filters, when all you need is a bag.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
If I had a dollar for every time I fell for a tweeter instead of a real person, I could pay for the psychiatric help I obviously need.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
“Blow on this.”
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Bro. It’s not ladies man, it’s ladies’ man. Chicks dig a dude who can navigate a plural possessive.