[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
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Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Solving a traffic jam
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]