@LeagueofNope

I have never once hit a drink or treated one badly so don’t tell me about alcohol abuse!

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@surrealvehicle

ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.

STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.

@AmandaEeeek

I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.

@Parkerlawyer

My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.

@donni

Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly

@BiscuitFloater

I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.

It’s blood…I’m made of blood.

@TheMichaelRock

I’ll stop calling you a racist if you stop bragging about all the marathons you run.

@robfee

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.

@CMHorrocks

These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.

@GinAndJif

Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.

@cray_at_home_ma

Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.