i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
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cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Them: Just act casual
Me:
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
This trial is so absurd 😭
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.