I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.

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[voice recognition in car]

Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”


I got a new high score today.

Sadly, it was on my bathroom scale!


[First date]
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”


Had a date with a lady I met on Christian Mingle. It was going fine until I told her I was Jewish & her half of the bill was $40 dollars.


My daughter can just cut and paste into google translate to do her French homework, and she learns nothing. When I was her age I had to learn nothing the hard way.


[inventing the toaster]

engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4

chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8


Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.