I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
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A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.