Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
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Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.