I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke.

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Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.


boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok


announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks


I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :


Refrigerator ice dispensers are perfect for those times when you need either zero or 5000 ice cubes.


me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house

son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books


[my first day as a mechanic]

customer: i need an oil change

me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change


Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.


Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”

Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.


I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.


“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively