@realDonaldTrump

I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke.

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@Kalamwali_Bai

Who decided to call it “Emotional Baggage” and not “Griefcase”?

@Chel__CLE

Seriously ppl who eat pizza with a fork & knife? This is America. We shove it in our faces like the rest of the fat people. Get it together.

@TheTweetOfGod

People who criticize the Bible should keep in mind it was My first novel.

@FrazzleMyGimp

WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.

ME: Ugh fine.

[later]

WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?

ME: His name is torch now.

@NeilReal

Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!

@jakehightower34

Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!

Hostage 1: No!

Hostage 2: Please! No!

Me: So…who gets to be the front?

@softzenik

me covering my front camera with tape and thinking about how the fbi agent monitoring me has watched me cry everyday but never once checked up on me: cut toxic people out of your life 2018

@sonictyrant

Me: waiter, this crab is way too fresh

Crab *to my wife* damn girl I’d like to dip you in butter and put you on a roll

Woman at the next table: i’ll have what she’s having