I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke.

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Who decided to call it “Emotional Baggage” and not “Griefcase”?


Seriously ppl who eat pizza with a fork & knife? This is America. We shove it in our faces like the rest of the fat people. Get it together.


People who criticize the Bible should keep in mind it was My first novel.


WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.

ME: Ugh fine.


WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?

ME: His name is torch now.


Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!


Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!

Hostage 1: No!

Hostage 2: Please! No!

Me: So…who gets to be the front?


me covering my front camera with tape and thinking about how the fbi agent monitoring me has watched me cry everyday but never once checked up on me: cut toxic people out of your life 2018


Me: waiter, this crab is way too fresh

Crab *to my wife* damn girl I’d like to dip you in butter and put you on a roll

Woman at the next table: i’ll have what she’s having