Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
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I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
When you’re Kinky but poor
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”