You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
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*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Alexa: *deep breath*
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]