My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
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If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Flock of bats
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap