i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
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I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
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🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!