@KimmyMonte

i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.

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@Grommit56

Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.

@Reverend_Scott

The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.

@atanenhaus

Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?

@SortaBad

There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.

@TheBoydP

Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?

@jaboukie

if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight

@calluptome

Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.

@jnrbtsn

I don’t discriminate among size guys.

Personally my favorite is 3 inches and goes by the name visa, mc, or amex.

@Tmoney68

Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.