i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
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them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
pizza
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.