i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
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Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever