@TheCatWhisprer

I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.

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@foodfacenow

1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.

@TheCatWhisprer

One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.

@TheNYAMProject

Me: Ugh…where am I?

Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.

M: WHO’S THERE??

*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*

DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.

M: HEEEELP

D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN

@Teretha111

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

@david8hughes

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

@AbbyHasIssues

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

@Rollinintheseat

*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*

Cashier: “Are you moving?”

Me: “No, why?”

@_sinistroll

WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey

@RuinMyWeek

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.

@alldrolledup

It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.