I have no idea what she’s talking about.
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One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
I didn’t realize that was an option
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”