me as a parent
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Take a deep breath.
– Respirational Tweet
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
ANIMALS IT’S OK TO KILL IN AFRICA
2. Terminally ill zebra who signed a DNR
3. The Nazi monkey from Raiders of the Lost Ark
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…