@decentbirthday

I have no idea what she’s talking about.

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@Midgetspar

I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.

And not ONE ab to show for it.

@MarfSalvador

[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]

me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!

wife: oooooooohhhhhhh

midwife: that’s it keep pushing

@GSElevator

#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.

@rancheroni

football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this

@Amburglar_

According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.

@KenJennings

ANIMALS IT’S OK TO KILL IN AFRICA
1. Mosquitoes
2. Terminally ill zebra who signed a DNR
3. The Nazi monkey from Raiders of the Lost Ark

@DanielRCarrillo

Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.

@LoverOfComics94

One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…