I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
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You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*