i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
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[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…