I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
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Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like