@Skullcat

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

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@Ygrene

[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal

@rkatz94

Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist

Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”

M: Did NOT see that coming

@BiIIMurray

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

@UnFitz

Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.

@envydatropic

You never worry about the size of your doctor’s fingers until you need a rectal exam.

I know this now.

@Darlainky

A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?

@david8hughes

[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]

@CrockettForReal

My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year

@CulturedRuffian

For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.

@DeadLioness

Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.