I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
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When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Crying is a sign of leakness.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
every college guy’s fridge
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.