I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

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I don’t trust people who don’t speak kindly and respectfully to their car just in case it’s a Transformer


I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.


[Titantic sinks]

Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?

Rose: [door lock noise]


Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.

Pat: Thank you.

Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.


WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18

“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”

WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again


When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver


The person sleeping next to you is statistically more likely to murder you than any other person on the entire planet. Do the dishes.


WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys


Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.


Wife: Where have you been?

Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.