I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

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[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal


Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist

Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”

M: Did NOT see that coming


I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.


Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.


You never worry about the size of your doctor’s fingers until you need a rectal exam.

I know this now.


A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?


[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]


My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year


For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.


Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.