@Skullcat

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

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@michaelianblack

Any celebrities who are thinking of dying soon, please befriend me so I can relate a moving and humorous anecdote when you pass.

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:14:”Pundamentalism”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3430342833/2313195883ea8b1008670c050efecd37_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”347090235580092416″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”104″;s:5:”tweet”;s:128:”Older single ladies,
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@JawnClimax

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

@BoLenerf

Some people think I’m an uncultured lout but it’s not true. For example, I know the 5-second rule on dropped food does not apply to soup.

@SortaBad

“Brian did you remove some of the thread from your shirt logo?”
Me: [clearly enjoying people calling me the Hug Boss] what? No probably not

@skittle624

Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.

*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.

@JohnsonDiaz21

My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

@ThugRaccoons

[Home Depot]

Me: I’ll take your finest home

*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*