The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
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me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Beards are a privilege, not a right
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night