I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
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Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.