Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
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[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.