I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
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Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*