I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.

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Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.


My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on


heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”


interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired


Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*


fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”


Being misunderstood is an art and apparently I should open a gallery.


Today I watched a meteor shower until it angrily pulled the curtains closed and yelled at me to stop peeping.


You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.


I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.