I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
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a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio