good news Craig, we got your murder charge bumped down to theft. just tell us why you stole that dude’s blood/bones
I have no super powers. I’m guessing I’m the villain.
You Might Also Like
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
I keep the clumps of hair from my shower drain as pets.
Don’t make it weird.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
How to get laid:
HAHAHA you guys thought I get laid for a second there.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.