[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
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I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Lmfaoooooo