Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
I have no super powers. I’m guessing I’m the villain.
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when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
ME: This is literally my most vulnerable, unexpecting, and relaxed state
SHAMPOO BOTTLE: Seems like a good time to hit the ground
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here