@Jennifergr8

I have no super powers. I’m guessing I’m the villain.

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@pissrifle

good news Craig, we got your murder charge bumped down to theft. just tell us why you stole that dude’s blood/bones

@ArfMeasures

Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out

[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are

@hunbothered

I keep the clumps of hair from my shower drain as pets.

Don’t make it weird.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[2045]

The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.

@Go2Slp

How to get laid:

HAHAHA you guys thought I get laid for a second there.

@PanicRestroom

Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.

@sixfootcandy

I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.

@ChrisThayerSays

I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.