I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
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Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door