I have no time for stupid people

But they sure do have time for me.

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[man walks into a bar]

Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!


Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.


So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.


Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.

It seems to help


When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.


This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old


• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house