@dafloydsta

I have no time for stupid people

But they sure do have time for me.

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@TheAlexNevil

[man walks into a bar]

Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!

@theDapperilla

Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.

@mel_pollen

So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.

@MandiAtRandom

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.

It seems to help

@thatdutchperson

When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.

@meganamram

This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old

@PaperFury

REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house