I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
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The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.