I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
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[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!