My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
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olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
rapatouille
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic