I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
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The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
umm…
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut