I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.

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“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes


Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?


BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.


*uses Oujia board*

?????? ???? ?????

me: what’s updog?

??? ????, ???, ???? ????? ?? ??????? ???? ???

me: what

cat: what


#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay


“Follow me!”

Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!

(Me at an exercise class)


Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.


“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist