@CatsVsHumanity

I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.

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@Mikecanrant

Just saw a shooting star. The crime in this galaxy is getting out of hand.

@TheTalkingPipe

If attacked by a bear you should play dead. If that doesn’t work play “Total Eclipse Of The Heart”. Bears love that song.

@timdonakowski

My wife and I got into an argument.

And now I’m gonna do these dishes so hard.

@L_W_Headphones

My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.

@louisvirtel

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

@joelu72

[writing my first autopsy report]

There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy

@TheWidowmakerX

Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?

“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently

@Shen_the_Bird

criminal: oh no it’s lobster man

lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch

criminal: [takes out rubber bands]

lobster man: oh god no

@mishakey

Going to meet my daughter’s kindergarten teacher tonight. Her name is Miss Cox. Not sure I’m mature enough for this situation.

@Home_Halfway

COP: You’re allowed 1 phone call
ME: I’m gonna call your mom & tell on you for arresting me
COP: *nervously sweating* Why would you do that