Just saw a shooting star. The crime in this galaxy is getting out of hand.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
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If attacked by a bear you should play dead. If that doesn’t work play “Total Eclipse Of The Heart”. Bears love that song.
My wife and I got into an argument.
And now I’m gonna do these dishes so hard.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Going to meet my daughter’s kindergarten teacher tonight. Her name is Miss Cox. Not sure I’m mature enough for this situation.
COP: You’re allowed 1 phone call
ME: I’m gonna call your mom & tell on you for arresting me
COP: *nervously sweating* Why would you do that