I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”

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The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.


I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.


I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.


I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.


I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’


Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.