I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
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What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?