Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
I have on my new shoes today. They are so cute, and comfortable, as long as I don’t stand in them or walk in them.
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Coworker: I could care less!
Me: How much less could you care?
Coworker: I don’t get it.
Me: I noticed.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
I’ve seen enough episodes of “Cops” to know that you should avoid all people with blurry faces.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Im still waiting for a movie in which someone says “buy me some time” and the guy goes and buys him a clock
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Grateful to the visionary who saw beans that had only been fried one time and thought, “this isn’t enough.”
I put the “ate” in chocolate.