@melliemeow

I have on my new shoes today. They are so cute, and comfortable, as long as I don’t stand in them or walk in them.

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@HomeWithPeanut

Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.

Wife: Me either. We are getting old.

Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.

Wife: What do you mean-

[Kids start imitating hyenas]

-nevermind.

@TheMichaelRock

Coworker: I could care less!

Me: How much less could you care?

Coworker: I don’t get it.

Me: I noticed.

@ShortSleeveSuit

COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law

ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me

@TheMichaelRock

I’ve seen enough episodes of “Cops” to know that you should avoid all people with blurry faces.

@UnFitz

7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.

@Epygma

Im still waiting for a movie in which someone says “buy me some time” and the guy goes and buys him a clock

@pevbim

I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*

@ginnyhogan_

Grateful to the visionary who saw beans that had only been fried one time and thought, “this isn’t enough.”