I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
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Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
I have never related to anyone more.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.