I have on my new shoes today. They are so cute, and comfortable, as long as I don’t stand in them or walk in them.

You Might Also Like


Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.

Wife: Me either. We are getting old.

Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.

Wife: What do you mean-

[Kids start imitating hyenas]



Coworker: I could care less!

Me: How much less could you care?

Coworker: I don’t get it.

Me: I noticed.


COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law

ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me


I’ve seen enough episodes of “Cops” to know that you should avoid all people with blurry faces.


7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.


Im still waiting for a movie in which someone says “buy me some time” and the guy goes and buys him a clock


I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*


Grateful to the visionary who saw beans that had only been fried one time and thought, “this isn’t enough.”