I have one of those signs in my house that says:

“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”

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Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving

Me: fine but I get to do some now.

Wife: owl allow it.

Me: wait-what are you doing?

Wife: toucan play this game.

Me: I don’t like this.


I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.


One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.


Me: This date is going well

Her: Yes

Me: You look sexy as hell

Her: Thank you

Guy she’s on a date with: dude

Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up


I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.


Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.


Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.


Been coughing all day. Can’t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.


*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*