@NewDadNotes
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
@ThisOneSayz
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
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@NewDadNotes
@YoungNobler
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
@leechee420
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
@ArfMeasures
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
@AndrewNadeau0
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
@Dwarven_Cleric
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
@msgwenl
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
@Jeffwni
Aaaa…CHOO!
@BillMc7
Been coughing all day. Can’t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.
@KeetPotato
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*