You had me at “define legal”.
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“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
I have a type: disappointing
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.