“I have parrot-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

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she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay


[goes to walmart]


Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?

Me: Even better than that…

[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]




Being a newspaper boy combines two of my favorite things: legally throwing things at people’s houses & keeping my fellow citizens informed


I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.


Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.