I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
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I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
This bar smells like my childhood.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.