I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.

*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?

*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*

I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —


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Hubby’s ex emailed him wanting to “reconnect”.

I wanna pretend to be him & set it up so I can re CONNECT my foot up her ass


PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?


*priest slowly backs away*


For animals with an “amazing sense of smell” dogs sure do sniff piles of turds for a long time before realizing “Whoops, these are turds”


I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.


[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to


I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.


REALITY SHOW IDEA: Put 10 tweeters in a house with only 1 phone charger and plenty of booze.



I find it inconsiderate that policemen always ask if I had been drinking but they never bother to ask if I had anything to eat at all


If intelligence runs in your family, I can only guess it tripped and fell before it got to you.


the human thinks. i won’t get excited. if they say. doubleyouayellkay. instead of. walk. but guess what. i am excited