Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
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Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Flock of bats
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person