I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
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Spam popsicles.
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[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
#winning
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
your honor my client chooses dare
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen