I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
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Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*