@krisv_723

I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.

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@TheMichaelRock

Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don’t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.

@brohsen

i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”

@abhorrent_wife

Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.

@ellenfromnowon

the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE

@TheMichaelRock

[guy inventing Captain Crunch]

Hear me out, they’re razor blades, but they’re delicious.

@ibid78

The year is 2072. Numbers have lost all meaning. It could be 3247 for all they know. “It’s 5486,” says one guy, but it could’ve been 8 guys.

@aotakeo

wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it

me: I searched the whole casino

@leontymccarthy

I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.

@marsboyroy

Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.