@FredTaming

i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly

i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly

- @FredTaming

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@Browtweaten

Date: I like to take things slow

Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I

@Jenny4ashley

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.

@Marlebean

*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*

@samfromks

My wife has been helping my neighbor hook up his VCR for 3 hours now.

Starting to get suspicious…

What kind of monster still has a VCR?

@slackerjorge

Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run

@david8hughes

[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand

@noog

“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now

@TheCareBare

“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”

-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.

@daemonic3

[shark tank]

“Hi, what’s your product idea?”

Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake

@mydmac

I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.