i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
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Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.