When I explained Twitter to my mother she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one’s getting better.” Well played, Mom. Well played.
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Nothing says “I’m unemployed” like wishing for snow on Facebook.
Science is to Scientology as meth is to Methodist.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Welcome to 45…when you can pinch a nerve by uncrossing your legs and blinking at the same time.
I’m going to just start biting the faces of people that stand too close during a conversation.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!