I have questions

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When I explained Twitter to my mother she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one’s getting better.” Well played, Mom. Well played.


Nothing says “I’m unemployed” like wishing for snow on Facebook.


JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT


Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.


Welcome to 45…when you can pinch a nerve by uncrossing your legs and blinking at the same time.


I’m going to just start biting the faces of people that stand too close during a conversation.


“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.


“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”


Nothing sucks more than a Monday.

Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!