@LittleMissAngr1

I have questions

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@see_more13

When I explained Twitter to my mother she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one’s getting better.” Well played, Mom. Well played.

@Sarcasmo718

Nothing says “I’m unemployed” like wishing for snow on Facebook.

@matt___nelson

JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT

@lasergirl70

Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.

@Contigo131

Welcome to 45…when you can pinch a nerve by uncrossing your legs and blinking at the same time.

@sssh_squirrel

I’m going to just start biting the faces of people that stand too close during a conversation.

@DanMentos

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.

@MooseAllain

“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”

@ddsmidt

Nothing sucks more than a Monday.

Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!