@TribalSpaceCat
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
@mexinonblonde
I have recently learned that it is considered poor form to sit on Santa’s lap and ask to be made a widow for Christmas…
The more you know.
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@TribalSpaceCat
@IamJackBoot
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
@Parkerlawyer
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
@rebrafsim
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
@robdelaney
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
@Owl_Meat
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
@isabelzawtun
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
@mrbuster60
“My uncle is a dead person guy”. Me last night when I couldn’t think of the word mortician
@hoedeehoe
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you