@mexinonblonde

I have recently learned that it is considered poor form to sit on Santa’s lap and ask to be made a widow for Christmas…
The more you know.

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@iheartgunts

I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.

@KalvinMacleod

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that

@Rollinintheseat

I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.

@samhcarr0ll

Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.

@copymama

Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.

@pittdave13

Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples

@BobTheSuit

Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.

@CornOnTheGoblin

Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?

@david8hughes

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it