I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I have recently learned that it is considered poor form to sit on Santa’s lap and ask to be made a widow for Christmas…
The more you know.
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Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it