gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
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I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
I believe the plural is “milves.”
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*