I have so many questions.
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her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
#MeanwhileinCanada
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.