“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
You Might Also Like
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right