I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
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Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
normalize having existential bread
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.